IT’S NOT FAIR!….but it’s ok.

I sometimes contemplate the concept of fairness. Is it fair that good people suffer?

In that vein, I occasionally think about my abusive ex-boyfriend with regards to the concept of fairness. After all the put-downs, the aggression and downright disrespect, he continues to go through life as though nothing happened, void of any remorse or a sense of wrong-doing (or so it seems).

It’s not fair; not in the slightest. It’s not right that the rest of his friends and family think he’s an emotionally healthy and good-natured man. He got away with it scot-free. It’s not fair that I have to reconcile with this, knowing that I will NEVER get the apology I seek.

These situations aren’t fair, but that doesn’t make them less purposeful to those that suffer the consequences. What I have gained from this is a level of strength that I wouldn’t have otherwise, had he not treated me the way he did.

Fairness and lack thereof can be a difficult pill to swallow. However, bear in mind that life is doing this FOR you and not TO you. The difficulties you face will only hone your character, strengthening your abilities to deal with life’s greater challenges.

Let them go and live your life. Fairness, much like sadness and happiness, comes in waves and is never constant. You will be fine and those ex-abusers just helped you, in the most unlikely of ways, become a stronger and better you.

~ DIVA ~
Christina xo.

Thinking About My Ex…

I still think about my ex boyfriend everyday. Ugh. However, the thoughts that I do have, have  decreased to only two most frequent thoughts. This is an improvement seeing as though only 6 months ago my thoughts were jumbled clutter consisting of multiple thoughts within the same thought; that was tiring. Currently, my main thoughts are:

#1 When will things go sideways for him?

This is by far my most frequent thought. It doesn’t make sense that he is still living in this world where the majority of people think he’s amazing. He’s got to get tired of it at some point, living a life of lies must be exhausting! I’m not going to sit around holding my breath for him to go to jail for selling drugs, or being abusive. However, I do believe that at some point in his life, someone who thinks the world of him will catch wind of the side of him he tries to hide, and will then understand why I left.

#2. Why is his family unable to see through him?

This thought is pretty consistent as well. There are multiple signs that my ex is a hot mess and yet they choose to ignore all the signs. Perhaps they know, and are in denial. Perhaps they are tired of solving his issues for him and don’t want to get their hands dirty again. Still yet maybe they are oblivious to what his happening right in front of them. I am no longer in the place where these thoughts consumes my day, but I still think about it. All in all it makes me sad that the people in his life don’t seem to be concerned with his emotional and mental health. Their primary concern appears to be his career success, which he has lots of.

I’ve concluded that  the primary reasons why I  still think about my ex so often is due to the nature of my work as well as this blog; not mention with any form of abuse it takes time to heal. I am thankful for my mindfulness as it has enabled me to monitor my healing process. I’ve made huge strides, but I still have quite a bit of work to do. Do you still have thoughts about your abusive ex boyfriend or girlfriend? What are they? Thanks for sharing!

~DIVA~

xo Hope ox

Stop Making Excuses…

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I came across this gem on Instagram a couple of days ago. I like it because it brings humor to a very serious issue. I find all too often  women, much more than men, make excuses for the way their significant other acts. And this very issue is at the heart of an abusive relationship. Bottom line is that nobody, man or woman, should ever verbally, coercively, sexually, emotionally or physically abuse you. There is NO excuse for people who are abusive. These are some of the excuses I made for my ex boyfriend:

  • “He’s really tired, I should have had dinner ready on time.”
  • “He just had a serious concussion, he’s still recovering.”
  • “He just got fired from his job, it’s only natural for him to take it out on me.”
  • “He’s working way harder than I am, I shouldn’t have brought up that issue that was bothering me.”
  • “It’s selfish of me to go out with my friends when he can’t because he’s so busy.”

 

These are only a few examples of the excuses I made for my ex. I made these kind of excuses every day. What are some of the excuses you previously made for you ex? If you are currently in an abusive relationship, are you able to recognize the excuses you are making for your partner and what are they?

Happy Tuesday

~DIVA~

xo Hope ox

Kellie Jo Holly – Survivor, Advocate, Mentor

Seeking counsel after you leave an abusive relationship is something I highly recommend. Speaking to someone who is knowledgeable about the issue can provide sound insight when you’ve been left confused, hurt and, broken.

Recently, I was fortunate to connect with Kellie Jo Holly, advocate against domestic violence and the founder of AbuseJournals.com. I was seeking advice on how to cope with lingering loose-ends, so to speak, of my former verbally abusive relationship, which I had been struggling with for months.

Kellie’s insight gave me the strength I needed to push forward and break the barriers I was imposing upon myself. Being a survivor of verbal abuse and an educated counselor in the field, she was the best resource that I could have found during my time of pain and confusion.

That being said, Kellie has been mentoring for some time now and is growing a base of mentors to help victims of abuse. I encourage you to explore this resource, especially if you’re in need of answers to what may seem, countless questions.

Further, if you want to share your story and hone your counseling skills, be a mentor! There are also opportunities to join her amazing team.

Thanks for everything, Kellie Jo. Keep up the fantastic work! ❤

The DIVA Team

Christina xo.

The Initial Signs

My ex-boyfriend and I had exchanged stories regarding our most recent break-ups when we first met. He told me that his ex girlfriend had broken up with him because he was “too negative” – BIG surprise there!  He seemed so charming and supportive; “negative” just didn’t make sense to me at the time.

However, there were lots of little signs that I didn’t pay attention to because I was infatuated. The key in identifying an abusive individual is being able to hone in on those RED FLAGS at the beginning that might predict escalated abuse in the future. I remember reading the following list months into my relationship, when the verbal abuse had peaked, and I had then put the pieces together. All of these signs were present even at the beginning, just to a lesser degree:

  • He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week. When you ask why he’s mad, he either denies it or tells you it’s in some way your fault.
  • When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss your upset feelings by saying, “You’re just trying to start an argument!” or claiming he has no idea what you’re talking about.
  • You frequently feel frustrated because you can’t get him to understand your intentions.
  • You’re upset—not so much about concrete issues like how much time to spend together, but about communication: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.
  • You sometimes think, “What’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t feel so bad.”
  • He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything, and his opinion isn’t stated as, “I think …” but as if you’re wrong and he’s right.
  • You can’t recall saying, “Cut it out!” or “Stop it!”

Excerpt from: The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans. Adams Media Corp 1992, 1996, 2010

Get to know the person you’re dating VERY well. Be curious, ask questions, see how they respond, make note of their inclination to address any topic – are they genuinely forthcoming or do they simply blame their ex’s for failed relationships in the past? Are they coming on too strong?  This could be a sign that they’re trying to control and take ownership of you. Are they constantly speaking highly of you and very lowly of others? They might be idealizing you and this will lead to constant criticism down the line. Full-fledged verbal abuse takes time, but the signs are there right off the bat.

Always respect yourself, speak up when you’re being mistreated and trust your gut. DON’T settle! Once I’m ready to date and start a new relationship, I’ll be taking my time, making sure that respect and healthy communication are priorities for both.

~DIVA~

Chris xo.