I sometimes contemplate the concept of fairness. Is it fair that good people suffer?
In that vein, I occasionally think about my abusive ex-boyfriend with regards to the concept of fairness. After all the put-downs, the aggression and downright disrespect, he continues to go through life as though nothing happened, void of any remorse or a sense of wrong-doing (or so it seems).
It’s not fair; not in the slightest. It’s not right that the rest of his friends and family think he’s an emotionally healthy and good-natured man. He got away with it scot-free. It’s not fair that I have to reconcile with this, knowing that I will NEVER get the apology I seek.
These situations aren’t fair, but that doesn’t make them less purposeful to those that suffer the consequences. What I have gained from this is a level of strength that I wouldn’t have otherwise, had he not treated me the way he did.
Fairness and lack thereof can be a difficult pill to swallow. However, bear in mind that life is doing this FOR you and not TO you. The difficulties you face will only hone your character, strengthening your abilities to deal with life’s greater challenges.
Let them go and live your life. Fairness, much like sadness and happiness, comes in waves and is never constant. You will be fine and those ex-abusers just helped you, in the most unlikely of ways, become a stronger and better you.
Seeking counsel after you leave an abusive relationship is something I highly recommend. Speaking to someone who is knowledgeable about the issue can provide sound insight when you’ve been left confused, hurt and, broken.
Recently, I was fortunate to connect with Kellie Jo Holly, advocate against domestic violence and the founder of AbuseJournals.com. I was seeking advice on how to cope with lingering loose-ends, so to speak, of my former verbally abusive relationship, which I had been struggling with for months.
Kellie’s insight gave me the strength I needed to push forward and break the barriers I was imposing upon myself. Being a survivor of verbal abuse and an educated counselor in the field, she was the best resource that I could have found during my time of pain and confusion.
That being said, Kellie has been mentoring for some time now and is growing a base of mentors to help victims of abuse. I encourage you to explore this resource, especially if you’re in need of answers to what may seem, countless questions.
Further, if you want to share your story and hone your counseling skills, be a mentor! There are also opportunities to join her amazing team.
Sometimes, when you leave a bad relationship, you’re left with TONS of existentialist questions to deal with. I, for one, thought that my relationship, as verbally abusive as it was, was the be-all and end-all of my life. I guess that was part of the whole manipulation, right? All that was left for me was marriage, kids and years of resentment. But, I left.
I’m on my own now and my life has taken a course for the “questionable;” not at all in a negative way, but in a very overwhelming, “where will life take me????” kind of way.
I’m sure some of you may be familiar with The Holstee Manifesto. It’s a direct, short and sweet rundown of what matters in life and how to live it well. A message that has been shared over 500,000 times and viewed over 60 million times online.
As a reminder to those that feel lost, downtrodden and discouraged, life has meaning once you start perceiving things differently and doing what you love. I encourage you to follow The Holstee Manifesto and watch your life transform into your own little slice of heaven on earth;)
Today I decided it would be a good idea to check up on my Instagram account; TERRIBLE idea. I came across my picture feed where my ex had “liked” several things and left numerous comments on our mutual friends pictures. I then went to delete all of the pictures on my account that had anything to do with him.
Not too long after my brilliant plan feelings of sadness, pain and disbelief were stirred up again. UGH! I have such a difficult time with the fact that he has not reached out to me. I thought that was what abusers do; apologize and try to lure you back into the relationship? I know I don’t actually want contact with him. Yet there is a large part of me that wants the satisfaction of seeing how much he cares, as opposed to knowing based on what I’ve read about people who are abusive. I wrote my ex two emails a month after I left him and highlighted EVERY SINGLE ONE of the areas in which he was verbally/emotionally/coercively abusive in chart-form. ( patting-myself-on-back )
But still, how is he not reaching out? How is he commenting, uploading, “liking” pictures as though he isn’t a wounded individual that needs to seek therapy! Here I am unable to even be on social media yet he’s all up on it as though our relationship, and the nature of our break-up never happend. How come my letter hasn’t hit home for him with regard to the fact that HE is in the wrong, and I’m not the only girl who he’s done this too; just the first not to call the police.
Now, the thing that is sopainful is that it appears as though he doesn’t care. But, in fact, he cares more than I do. I have to keep reminding myself that he is just putting on a front to make it seem as though he isn’t fazed by our breakup when he is actually torn up.
I will be so happy when I am fully healed, because times like these make me think that I will never get over him.