I sometimes contemplate the concept of fairness. Is it fair that good people suffer?
In that vein, I occasionally think about my abusive ex-boyfriend with regards to the concept of fairness. After all the put-downs, the aggression and downright disrespect, he continues to go through life as though nothing happened, void of any remorse or a sense of wrong-doing (or so it seems).
It’s not fair; not in the slightest. It’s not right that the rest of his friends and family think he’s an emotionally healthy and good-natured man. He got away with it scot-free. It’s not fair that I have to reconcile with this, knowing that I will NEVER get the apology I seek.
These situations aren’t fair, but that doesn’t make them less purposeful to those that suffer the consequences. What I have gained from this is a level of strength that I wouldn’t have otherwise, had he not treated me the way he did.
Fairness and lack thereof can be a difficult pill to swallow. However, bear in mind that life is doing this FOR you and not TO you. The difficulties you face will only hone your character, strengthening your abilities to deal with life’s greater challenges.
Let them go and live your life. Fairness, much like sadness and happiness, comes in waves and is never constant. You will be fine and those ex-abusers just helped you, in the most unlikely of ways, become a stronger and better you.
~ DIVA ~
Seeking counsel after you leave an abusive relationship is something I highly recommend. Speaking to someone who is knowledgeable about the issue can provide sound insight when you’ve been left confused, hurt and, broken.
Recently, I was fortunate to connect with Kellie Jo Holly, advocate against domestic violence and the founder of AbuseJournals.com. I was seeking advice on how to cope with lingering loose-ends, so to speak, of my former verbally abusive relationship, which I had been struggling with for months.
Kellie’s insight gave me the strength I needed to push forward and break the barriers I was imposing upon myself. Being a survivor of verbal abuse and an educated counselor in the field, she was the best resource that I could have found during my time of pain and confusion.
That being said, Kellie has been mentoring for some time now and is growing a base of mentors to help victims of abuse. I encourage you to explore this resource, especially if you’re in need of answers to what may seem, countless questions.
Further, if you want to share your story and hone your counseling skills, be a mentor! There are also opportunities to join her amazing team.
Thanks for everything, Kellie Jo. Keep up the fantastic work! ❤
The DIVA Team
“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” – Henry David Thoreau
My relationship ended and I found myself considerably lost, confused and inundated with way too many important life decisions for one broken-hearted person to handle. I’ve had to re-evaluate absolutely everything from my career path, my likes and dislikes and, my future goals, just to name a few. Which road do I take? How do I get there? Will I regret my choices? Will that decision make me happy in the long run? As overwhelming as this place can be, I realize I needed to get here in order to understand and appreciate myself thoroughly as a unique individual with a unique destiny.
Today happened to be one of those dreaded “lost” days. However, something changed today; I learned to finally embrace the overwhelmingly blank canvas. Truly, I am wholly blessed with the freedom to follow my life’s destiny and allow my dreams to materialize. Nothing and nobody is holding me back. My life is no longer in someone else’s control; I create the life I want.
Through the clouds, the decisions, the void and pain, I begin to see who I REALLY am and it’s kind of amazing. It’s almost as though a pure self-love has been brewing in the shadows.
Thoreau was right:)
I had spent many months after my relationship drowning in “WHYs.” It was exhausting, to say the very least.
Why did he treat me the way he did? Why isn’t he calling? Why can’t he apologize? Why do others seem to love him so much? Why is he so driven and successful? Why does he seem so oblivious to what he put me through? Why can’t he fix himself? Why doesn’t he care? Why is he so selfish? Why does he think he’s always right? WHY ME?!
If you’re at all familiar with the “WHY” stage after your verbally abuse relationship is over, then you’ll know how draining it can be. It’s taken every ounce of my strength to stop asking why and to start moving forward. Ultimately, I’ll just never know. What I do know is that his instability and his issues with aggression stem from an inner suffering I can’t help with nor understand. Unless he gets the proper help he needs, which will help him to understand how and why he hurt me, which might encourage him to APOLOGIZE, I’ll just never reconcile with the “WHYs.”
Constantly asking “WHY” is like digging yourself so deep into a bottomless pit that you start to lose sight of the light. I’m finally learning how to move forward, stop asking questions to which I can’t possibly have the answers to, and focus on being happy and strive for my goals.
Today I decided it would be a good idea to check up on my Instagram account; TERRIBLE idea. I came across my picture feed where my ex had “liked” several things and left numerous comments on our mutual friends pictures. I then went to delete all of the pictures on my account that had anything to do with him.
Not too long after my brilliant plan feelings of sadness, pain and disbelief were stirred up again. UGH! I have such a difficult time with the fact that he has not reached out to me. I thought that was what abusers do; apologize and try to lure you back into the relationship? I know I don’t actually want contact with him. Yet there is a large part of me that wants the satisfaction of seeing how much he cares, as opposed to knowing based on what I’ve read about people who are abusive. I wrote my ex two emails a month after I left him and highlighted EVERY SINGLE ONE of the areas in which he was verbally/emotionally/coercively abusive in chart-form. ( patting-myself-on-back )
But still, how is he not reaching out? How is he commenting, uploading, “liking” pictures as though he isn’t a wounded individual that needs to seek therapy! Here I am unable to even be on social media yet he’s all up on it as though our relationship, and the nature of our break-up never happend. How come my letter hasn’t hit home for him with regard to the fact that HE is in the wrong, and I’m not the only girl who he’s done this too; just the first not to call the police.
Now, the thing that is so painful is that it appears as though he doesn’t care. But, in fact, he cares more than I do. I have to keep reminding myself that he is just putting on a front to make it seem as though he isn’t fazed by our breakup when he is actually torn up.
I will be so happy when I am fully healed, because times like these make me think that I will never get over him.
xo Hope ox