Thinking About My Ex…

I still think about my ex boyfriend everyday. Ugh. However, the thoughts that I do have, have  decreased to only two most frequent thoughts. This is an improvement seeing as though only 6 months ago my thoughts were jumbled clutter consisting of multiple thoughts within the same thought; that was tiring. Currently, my main thoughts are:

#1 When will things go sideways for him?

This is by far my most frequent thought. It doesn’t make sense that he is still living in this world where the majority of people think he’s amazing. He’s got to get tired of it at some point, living a life of lies must be exhausting! I’m not going to sit around holding my breath for him to go to jail for selling drugs, or being abusive. However, I do believe that at some point in his life, someone who thinks the world of him will catch wind of the side of him he tries to hide, and will then understand why I left.

#2. Why is his family unable to see through him?

This thought is pretty consistent as well. There are multiple signs that my ex is a hot mess and yet they choose to ignore all the signs. Perhaps they know, and are in denial. Perhaps they are tired of solving his issues for him and don’t want to get their hands dirty again. Still yet maybe they are oblivious to what his happening right in front of them. I am no longer in the place where these thoughts consumes my day, but I still think about it. All in all it makes me sad that the people in his life don’t seem to be concerned with his emotional and mental health. Their primary concern appears to be his career success, which he has lots of.

I’ve concluded that  the primary reasons why I  still think about my ex so often is due to the nature of my work as well as this blog; not mention with any form of abuse it takes time to heal. I am thankful for my mindfulness as it has enabled me to monitor my healing process. I’ve made huge strides, but I still have quite a bit of work to do. Do you still have thoughts about your abusive ex boyfriend or girlfriend? What are they? Thanks for sharing!

~DIVA~

xo Hope ox

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3 thoughts on “Thinking About My Ex…

  1. Diva,

    I am glad you posted this; I think it’s a very important topic for every who has been abused, is being abused, or someone who personally knows one of us to consider. There is a whole range of thoughts and emotions you go through during this process of getting your life back and finding yourself, and yes, even coming to love and forgive yourself. Don’t be so disturbed by having these thoughts. It is normal. You may not like it (I know I definitely didn’t either!), but it is something you have to go through to be able to become whole again and heal.

    Today is my 7 month anniversary of escaping my abuser. I still have nightmares about some of the things he did to me; he was a monster. My abuser turned out to be a drug addict who would do anything to get money to get high, and probably has. Including beating me to get my money, selling my property, having female addicts perform certain acts with dealers for free rock. He would snitch to get money, and he would try to help dealers ‘flip’ to get money and free drugs.

    Fortunately for me, he was so horrible that when I left, I had no feelings of any attachment to him what-so-ever. That was one confusion I did not have to sort out, and I feel for those who do. I cannot imagine what it must be like to still have feelings like that for someone who did such horrible things to them. I went through a nasty phase where I obsessed about things happening to him. Why didn’t the things he did come back around? How can he not get his? But do you know, the day I wrote my letter to him and posted on my blog, the day I let myself forgive him, stop worrying about him and started concentrating on taking care of me, it came back around to him.

    You see, just like your ex, he went right on the path he was on. Eventually, it caught up to him. In April, he was evicted from the last apartment we had together, owing $3400 back rent. He bounced around from drug friend to drug friend to have a place to sleep. His family out of state would not take him in, because they had grown tired of the 22 years of his behavior. He was arrested in May, exactly five months to the day after I left, on unpaid child support (not the first time, and I am sure not the last). And when they were processing him, they found debit cards in his possession that were not his.

    It may take some time for his behavior to catch up to him. He may have his family fooled for now, but trust me, when the mask falls off, it will hit the floor with the loudest thud and shatter. Unfortunately, the next woman after you will find out why you left. She may make it out like you did, or she may not. You don’t have to justify to anyone why you left. He violated, abused, and hurt you. If they do not want to believe it, let them have the illusion. They will only feel that much worse when they find out what he really is, and they will wish that they had been like you, seeing him for what he was and leaving him.

    As you have already noticed, you will think about him less and less. Do not beat yourself up for where you are now. You have made wonderful progress! Perhaps you need to remind yourself of this every now and then. 🙂

    I do still have thoughts about him. But now they usually come in the form of appreciating not having him around to hinder me or keep me from doing things. Every time I do something that I haven’t been able to do in almost 5 years, I thank Jehovah for the freedom I have found. However, this weekend coming up for me is going to emotionally charged for me. I have something big (but very, very good) happening in my life, and he, as with everything, used physical means to keep me from doing it. He was especially hateful with this one thing. I have been able to make my progress and I am finally ready! But also, not long after I left, I got back in contact with the man I was with before him. I have not seen him since 2007, but if things permit, I will be able to see him Saturday (the big day!). I will be a wreck, but it will be a joyous wreck if that makes sense. *lol*

    • Hello!

      So sorry for the late response. I really appreciated the comment. It’s been difficult for me to be okay with where I am in my healing process. I hate the fact that I still think of him, and so often as well. I know I am over the relationship in itself. However, I am far from over the abuse that I endured and the trauma it cost. Sometimes, I still question whether or not it was as bad as a remember. It’s been about 10 months since I left my ex boyfriend. I’m so happy you were able to relate to my post.

      I wrote my ex a couple letters within the first month I left him, I am SO happy I did that. He knows EXACTLY what he did, how I felt and why I left him. Your ex sounds like a nightmare, I am so sorry you had to endure that. I love your mask reference, it painted such a clear image in mind.You are right, I need to appreciate myself and the strides I’ve made. It’s truly a blessing that I am no longer with him, and am now free to pursue the things I previously told myself I didn’t need.

      How was the big day?!!?

      Thanks again for your response. Every word of it I absorbed and appreciated!

      Much Love,

      Hope

  2. Hope,

    I think you are being a little hard on yourself. After all, you did just leave ten months ago! (In four days, it will be eight months for me, so we are not that far off from each other.) There is no way that all the trauma, suffering, hurt, fear, and pain that you endured during the time you were with your ex is going to disappear within this short period of time. Please, please, extend the compassion you give others to yourself. If the situation were reversed, I know you would not be saying this to another survivor.

    I know you won’t want to hear this, but there may some things you may never fully get over. There will be some things that will always come to mind, but this doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. It means the abuse has changed you and has become a part of who you are. The wonderful thing is that I believe you are not going to allow it to define you.

    We all hate the struggle we have to go through with this, but the encouraging thing is that we are here for each other to talk when we need an ear and to correct those negative thoughts resulting from the abuse. More than this, we also remind each other that we are human, that we have feelings we sometimes don’t understand or like very much, and we just want to be done with the entire situation. But this is okay and I assure you it is also normal. I know it’s one thing for me to say this to you when you are the one feeling it, but you need to go through whatever it is you feel emotionally so you CAN heal.

    In love and support,
    Amy

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