Why? Why? Why?

I had spent many months after my relationship drowning in “WHYs.” It was exhausting, to say the very least.

Why did he treat me the way he did? Why isn’t he calling? Why can’t he apologize? Why do others seem to love him so much? Why is he so driven and successful? Why does he seem so oblivious to what he put me through? Why can’t he fix himself? Why doesn’t he care? Why is he so selfish? Why does he think he’s always right? WHY ME?!

If you’re at all familiar with the “WHY” stage after your verbally abuse relationship is over, then you’ll know how draining it can be. It’s taken every ounce of my strength to stop asking why and to start moving forward. Ultimately, I’ll just never know. What I do know is that his instability and his issues with aggression stem from an inner suffering I can’t help with nor understand. Unless he gets the proper help he needs,  which will help him to understand how and why he hurt me, which might encourage him to APOLOGIZE, I’ll just never reconcile with the “WHYs.”

Constantly asking “WHY” is like digging yourself so deep into a bottomless pit that you start to lose sight of the light. I’m finally learning how to move forward, stop asking questions to which I can’t possibly have the answers to, and focus on being happy and strive for my goals.

~DIVA~

Chris xo.

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13 thoughts on “Why? Why? Why?

  1. I’ve been there too. Sometimes, I think that people like that do not know how to love. I don’t think they know how to respect anyone, not even themselves. I know my abusers were very insecure. That is no excuse for their behavior, however. My ex even went through the Anger Management class. And then when we were in court after he broke the restraining order for the second time, the Judge asked him why he didn’t follow his safety plan. He simply said, I didn’t want to.” Sad, but true.

  2. i wrote a post about this tonight DIVA, that whole question of why can be soul destroying. When it happens to us, we then spend ages playing amateur psychologist. Just to understand what has happened, as how do you make sense of the nonsensical? I think that when you are still questioning why, it when you need answers. With a normal healthy person, that person will give you answers, because they do not want to see you in pain. a disordered mind won’t because they have no care for your welfare. Or your needs,as long as they are ok, that is ok. Because they are selfish.

    But – that is probably a good thing, as it forces you to get help from elsewhere. You then start to research and play amateur detective, in a desperate seek to get help and understanding to get rid of this huge weight of why which hangs over your head. But -that is likely a good thing – as you couldn’t really trust the answers that they would give you anyway. You have already been lied to, manipulated, controlled.

    It is freedom to get answers for yourself. And you will. The answer why – is simple, it is just understanding the personality disorder and then you say AH!! And you realise that it is not you…. it is them….

    • I absolutely agree with you, Nikki. You described the burden of pain and confusion as a “weight” and I think that’s so accurate. I was emotionally exhausted after the break-up due to this psychological “weight” I was carrying, trying so desperately to understand WHY all of this happened the way it did and WHY he behaves the way he does. My curiosity has encouraged me to seek for answers from other sources outside of my own mind which has definitely helped me recognize the fact that the issue is not me, but him indeed. Thanks for your insight and I look forward to reading your blog. Keep sharing! -C xo.

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