Today I decided it would be a good idea to check up on my Instagram account; TERRIBLE idea. I came across my picture feed where my ex had “liked” several things and left numerous comments on our mutual friends pictures. I then went to delete all of the pictures on my account that had anything to do with him.
Not too long after my brilliant plan feelings of sadness, pain and disbelief were stirred up again. UGH! I have such a difficult time with the fact that he has not reached out to me. I thought that was what abusers do; apologize and try to lure you back into the relationship? I know I don’t actually want contact with him. Yet there is a large part of me that wants the satisfaction of seeing how much he cares, as opposed to knowing based on what I’ve read about people who are abusive. I wrote my ex two emails a month after I left him and highlighted EVERY SINGLE ONE of the areas in which he was verbally/emotionally/coercively abusive in chart-form. ( patting-myself-on-back )
But still, how is he not reaching out? How is he commenting, uploading, “liking” pictures as though he isn’t a wounded individual that needs to seek therapy! Here I am unable to even be on social media yet he’s all up on it as though our relationship, and the nature of our break-up never happend. How come my letter hasn’t hit home for him with regard to the fact that HE is in the wrong, and I’m not the only girl who he’s done this too; just the first not to call the police.
Now, the thing that is so painful is that it appears as though he doesn’t care. But, in fact, he cares more than I do. I have to keep reminding myself that he is just putting on a front to make it seem as though he isn’t fazed by our breakup when he is actually torn up.
I will be so happy when I am fully healed, because times like these make me think that I will never get over him.
xo Hope ox