My BIG Mistake

Today I decided it would be a good idea to check up on my Instagram account; TERRIBLE idea. I came across my picture feed where my ex had “liked” several things and left numerous comments on our mutual friends pictures. I then went to delete all of the pictures on my account that had anything to do with him.

Not too long after my brilliant plan feelings of sadness, pain and disbelief were stirred up again. UGH! I have such a difficult time with the fact that he has not reached out to me. I thought that was what abusers do; apologize and try to lure you back into the relationship? I know I don’t  actually want contact with him. Yet there is a large part of me that wants the satisfaction of seeing how much he cares, as opposed to knowing based on what I’ve read about people who are abusive.  I wrote my ex two emails a month after I left him and highlighted EVERY SINGLE ONE of the areas in which he was verbally/emotionally/coercively abusive in chart-form. ( patting-myself-on-back )

But still, how is he not reaching out? How is he commenting, uploading, “liking” pictures as though he isn’t a wounded individual that needs to seek therapy! Here I am unable to even be on social media yet he’s all up on it as though our relationship, and the nature of our break-up never happend. How come my letter hasn’t hit home for him with regard to the fact that HE is in the wrong, and I’m not the only girl who he’s done this too; just the first not to call the police.

Now, the thing that is so painful is that it appears as though he doesn’t care. But, in fact, he cares more than I do.  I have to keep reminding myself that he is just putting on a front to make it seem as though he isn’t fazed by our breakup when he is actually torn up.

I will be so happy when I am fully healed, because times like these make me think that I will never get over him.


xo Hope ox


8 thoughts on “My BIG Mistake

  1. Hey why don’t you do NO contact with him (just pretend that he WANTS to talk to you) and don’t contact him.

    Block his number
    Block him on social networking sites
    Block his email

    Stay out of the mutual friend arena for a bit. As no doubt he is throwing his own pity party. So this gives you time to focus on you and to heal!

    It is said that No contact is the best thing to do if someone is abusive. Trouble is they always seem to bounce back at a later date …. but by then you should be stronger.

    If you are reaching out to him h is going to know this, and avoid you. (which might be for thee best) you doing no contact makes it YOUR decision, and you get back your control. I wrote a post about it earlier today on my blog!

    • I appreciate your advice…I’ll be sure to check out your post! I am doing everything I should be to heal. I moved out of the country in which we were living together, I’m in therapy, I’m living back home with my parents while I regroup and look for work. I’m also doing quite a bit of yoga which has helped. I was simply sharing the emotions that I had regarding my reaction to seeing his activity on Instagram.

      I’ve had 0 contact with him since a month after I left him…so almost 5 months now. I’ve blocked him on everything…I hadn’t been on instagram for months…and was surprised when I realized how much he frequents it. I mean he’s 31 years old and acts as though he’s 18. (LOL)I’ve blocked all mutual friends…as they are not my friends or they would have reached out to me.


  2. I’m experiencing something a little similar and I just wanted to offer you my sympathies. I read about abusers who stalk and harrass their partners when they leave. My ex used every emotional abuse tactic in his power to get me to stay for years but, when I eventually left, he reacted as if he didn’t care. I don’t expect he will ever try contact me and that actually hurts the most in a twisted way. I can see that I am still craving for him to fight for me as a way of increasing my own self-worth. The fact he could just drop me like that after the emotional abuse is killing me. I’m devastated. I’ve lost everything. It’s hard to understand how his world doesn’t stop, or even slow a little, either.

    I actually felt a bit guilty after reading your post as I’ve been living on facebook since I left him. Although I haven’t posted anything myself, I am liking and commenting of every single silly thing on my timeline (I’ve blocked him). I haven’t told many people about what has happened so nobody online knows. It keeps me sane to just keep doing the normal things I used to do. It’s all a farcical act though.

    • Thank you so much for commenting. I’ve been trying to blog sudden emotions that come up because they are the most real, and those are the kinds of feelings others can relate to.

      How long have you been out of your relationship? How long did the relationship last?
      I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to remove yourself 100% from social media. That’s what I did, and yesterday when I went onto my instagram: MAN was I not ready.

      The feelings that you have regarding the fact that your ex could drop you like that, and his life goes on as normal is EXACTLY what I’m feeling. Here I am

      #1, Living in a different country
      #2 Removing myself from social media profiles (besides DIVA)
      #3. Weekly Therapy
      #4. Yoga & Meditation
      #5. No contact with him or the people who were in my life when we were together.

      And I’m still very much effected. I think it’s so important for you to feel everything you’re going through. Acting as though everything is okay is really just going to end up hurting you in the long run. The start of my healing process began with reading “Broken Open” by Elizabeth Lesser. I highly recommend it.

      I’m wanting my ex to fight for me as well. HOWEVER, I know how much more painful and difficult my healing process would be.

  3. I only left him 48hrs ago so it’s very raw. We had been together nearly 5 years and the emotional abuse was getting progressively worse in the past 3 years since he came back from Afghanistan. I have lived in his country for a year and a half and, tomorrow, I will fly home to my own country. Big changes. I have a job lined up but I don’t think I’m able to stay well enough to work. I’m so terrified.

    How long are you two apart? We sound like we are in a similar situation as regards to having to change countries but you are ahead of me in the healing process.

    I don’t have any support until I get to my home country so I’m trying not to let myself feel too much now. I do feel I need to let it out some time soon or I’ll explode. I think I will ring a women’s helpline when I get back to my home country and see if there is any support available for me.

    • Wow. It’s VERY new. Good for you. I’m sending you hugs right now. 5 years is such a long time. I was only in my relationship for two and a half years…I can’t imagine what state I would be in if I was in the relationship for as long as you were.

      I think the fact that we were in different countries other than our own intensified the feelings of isolation, and it made it easier for our ex’s to exert control.

      It sounds as though he also may be suffering from PTSD. My neighbor’s husband came back from Afghanistan emotionally wounded, and the abuse intensified, and got physical.

      I think it’s a good idea to really let those emotions out when you have support. Calling a women’s helpline is SUCH a good idea, as they will be able to direct you to therapists and groups that would be of help to you now and for the rest of your healing process..

      Are you going back home to supportive family and friends? Are you financially able to take some time for yourself before you start work? In time, I think the job will be VERY beneficial as it will give you something to focus on. However, I think it’s important for you to take some time to reflect, and find a therapist or group to go to that will start your healing practice.

      Hot vinyasa yoga has also been a HUGE part of my healing process. It quiets my mind and helps me to focus on myself and my future. Have you ever considered doing yoga?

  4. Not all abusers come after you when you leave. Mine didn’t. He said that I betrayed him by reporting the abuse to the Army and the law. He said I jeopardized his ability to be a father by putting his career at risk, and for that he could never forgive me. (?!) I won’t go into the irony of his reasoning as I have a feeling you already understand the “intricacies” of an abuser’s mind! LOL

    What is NOT LOL is that instead of coming after me to regain his “property” alive, he’s decided to kill me instead. Yeah, three years later and he wants to kill me when our youngest turns 18. (In his mind, at 18 our son will be a man and no longer need a mother. Or that’s what I assume after knowing him for almost 22 years.)

    Whatever the reason your ex feels it necessary to go skipping down the bunny trail as if nothing happened, beware that his absence doesn’t guarantee his absence – if you see what I mean. Live your life joyfully (and you will do that very soon!), but always remember you know a possible sociopath. Stay safe – and make safety a habit. ❤

    • Thanks SO much for the comment, Holly. It’s so special getting your feedback. Yeah, my ex told me he felt betrayed after he saw that my bags were packed with my things inside. He told me that “for everything I’ve done, this is what I get in return.” Ha! It’s so ridiculous it’s almost comical.

      Good for you reporting it to the authorities. Funny that he didn’t think that perhaps HIS actions were what was jeopardizing his ability be a father. It’s been such a guessing game trying to figure out what he thinks, feels, asks…I’m now at the stage where those thoughts and questions are beginning to wain yet I’m still SO interested in everything having to do with abusers and victims of abuse. I’ve been seriously considering going back to school and studying domestic abuse, specifically verbal abuse.

      I can’t believe that he’s trying to kill you, how intense. Is it to the point where you fear for your life regularly, or do you have some sort of restraining order/protection that is keeping you safe?

      I think about my safety frequently. While I don’t think that my ex is a sociopath, I know he has lots of pent up anger that is not being dealt with, and that in itself is frighting. I’m actually confident that in some way he will reach out to me in the future, yet I have left behind the part of me that wants to be with him if he were to seek help. I deserve someone who has NEVER spoken/treated me the way he did. Thank you for your empowering words.


      xo Hope ox

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s